Survivor’s Guilt & Shitty Pizza. It’s Kind of a Poem.

It is completely cliché and I don’t care.

I am totally. Unbelievably in shock.

Still.

I feel stuck. How can I write? What does it matter?

I mean, like maybe three people read this so what’s the point? What was I ever going to change or do with this in the first place?

How can I take silly selfies? Does it not add to the hatred of the naïve millennials? I’m so full of myself. Contributing nothing but fluff and fodder.

How can I do anything anymore?

Why does it feel as if I have died? That someone died. Something. Died.

What is this!?

I mean. Certainly, no one more than I, constantly proclaims their despair for mankind on such a regular basis.

“Ugh I hate EVERYONE!” My daily mantra.

So how can I be so so very sad? How can I feel so let down?

Facebook is just a stream of screams and anger. And I feel helpless. I feel that my apathy and privilege of nihilism only proves my culpability.

And I don’t want to see any god damn kitten videos right now. Have some respect people.

But dammit they are cute.

If I had used my brain. My white skin. Made better decisions. Been less, “me”. Could I have helped?

Is it survivors guilt that I feel?

I can’t look others in the eye.

I failed.

I failed.

We failed. And I am sick to my stomach.

I am sick. So violently ill, when I read the ignorance of the Red posts. But do not think that means I wholeheartedly bleed Blue.

This time. It’s not the Matrix. There’s no clear cut pill to take.

But somehow still. This all feels so fake.

I failed.

I am not a whiner. I am not complaining. But I am crying. I am affected.

I am sick.

I will survive.

But I know others will not.

And for the first time. I feel like I am.

Only one person.

*As an addendum.

My girlfriend just texted me to let me know she has to stop eating Papa Johns.

They supported Trump.

She may have to switch to Domino’s.

Fuck Domino’s.

She too, wishes to no longer live.

Shit is getting real.

Shit. Is getting. Real.

 

DeathAndTheCity

I'm a licensed funeral director living in Los Angeles. This is a place to put my thoughts so I'm not always blowing up my friends' Facebook feed or Twitter with my asinine musings on life and death, and that cliché idea of, everything in between.