“Shelly, I feel the same exact way. I was so disappointed when politics started being mixed in (or I may have just naively missed this). I am wholeheartedly ready to embrace this cause, however now I’m not so sure It is in my best interest to associate myself with this particular group, as a whole. My death-positive attitude is here to stay, however! For the record, I am an educated IT professional living in the South. I am 42 yo WF, and the mother of three sons. Like, I’m probably the total opposite of others in this movement, but the MOVEMENT is our common thread! I want to be ALL in but it’s taking a turn that i feel uneasy about…”
Part Three: My Response (Or,Women’s Studies Terms. My Open Letter to Shelly and Tracy)
“Shelly, (and also Tracy, but mostly Shelly)
I am but the humble daughter of a bus driver. I too feel at times the need to discredit my intelligence. For me it is because I grew up poor. I make a lot of self deprecating jokes out of insecurity that I am not as good as my friends. Out of fear that I will never be. That I am silly and flippant. I got into college by working hard, but realistically I got to go because I was so poor I qualified for a massive grant (a privilege I am very much aware of).
I start my response this way because I read your need to excuse your opinion by writing that you are “not highly educated”. As women we never need to apologize for not being “highly educated”. (*Not because we are women and get some free pass, but because there are many levels of intelligence and not all learning comes from possessing a degree from Yale. Some of the dumbest kids I’ve met were USC grads.) But, I also see that you wrote that you are a nurse. This means you clearly have shown that you have the drive and ability to follow through and persevere to better yourself (you ARE educated). Never lower your opinion of your education. It will in turn lower everything else about you. Which bleeds into my next thought.
I am also white. There’s really no smooth transition of that fact, but yes, I too identity as a “WF”. This is why your comment crushes me. Heart and soul. Crushes me Shelly. Because I feel that it is my ethical responsibility to write and reach out, not in hate or anger. Not to put you down. But as a white woman to another white woman. I want reach into the part of you that misses the point to all of this. Because what I read, is that there is an anger and fear in your comment. A “Hey, I may just be a white Christian from the south. And that may not be any good, but I’m going to let you ladies know anyways…” And Shelly, that is not what makes your opinion any less valid than ours. It is your disheartening inability to see the connection that death has to all of this. To all of us. And this is despite the fact that you very plainly write something similar in your comment.
Death is the ultimate expression of “making the personal political”. It is a theme that was talked about greatly in my college studies. And like you yourself pointed out, “death… is our common thread.” It is THE greatest “personal” in existence as it transcends gender, religion, ethnicity (and it seems like you get that). Death waits for no one. The problem is that in an increasingly tense time of political struggle. Death has become less patient. Death comes into our schools. Our churches. Our work. We should be so lucky for Death to take us in our sleep. See, it’s as if Death has waged war on us. But sadly, he comes for harder and faster for some rather than others. And this is a fact we CANNOT ignore any longer.
It would be remiss of me to not admit. That I am not on Death’s radar the way that others are. I would be selfish. Selfish not to admit that being white has allowed me to pray in peace, to be pulled over by a police officer and not feel afraid of what may happen. My being white allows me to feel less fear than, lets say, my girlfriend from Tehran. Her brown skin and Iranian features make her a target for hatred and anger. And most of that comes from, unfortunately white people.
So, while we could simply preach a blanket death acceptance. Tell everyone to buy a Pre-Need. Buy a plot. Plan your cremation and then call it a day. It would be rather pointless yes? I sort of fail to see the grandiose “YES WE CAN!” in simply handing out a pamphlet that reads, “Don’t be a dummy. You’re going to die. Plan ahead”. That would make us no different than a regular mortuary. But really, it would also be ignorant and sell short the power that women like us can have if we choose to work together to leave behind something greater than ourselves. And that is the idea. It is connecting while we are alive. That is our MOVEMENT. Death Positive, it’s just another way of saying Life Positive. It is a way of connecting with ALL human beings. But we CANNOT CANNOT turn a blind eye to the very real way it affects our brothers and sisters on different levels. You and I will never face death the way my friend from Tehran does. Nor my African American friends. And we have to understand that if we are to bring death back into the home it has to be with the understanding that all homes are different. That bringing death into my friends of different ethnicities comes with different details. And learning and growing, and experiencing the knowledge those “homes” have acquired, be it from hate, discrimination, or love, ONLY serves to make us better.
If you loved humanity you would see that you have to yearn to truly know all facets of it.
Much love and hope that you will understand and carry on with a voice, loud and strong for ALL women and men.
Amber Carvaly.
Educated in college and by Life. But learned more from Life. Daughter of a bus driver. I am a Mortician but I spent my life waiting tables. I don’t plan parties, I ruin them. Born and raised in the 909 (the meth capital of the Inland Empire), lover of all, even when disappointed in them. Because I believe you can change….”
*is where I have gone in to add some notes since I was able to expound on this in a more viewable platform. I invite Shelly and Tracy to write a rebuttal. (hah hah. I said butt.)
Death and the City 